Divorce and family law attorney for almost 25 years, Dennis Vetrano brings his experience working with clients to share why keeping the big picture in mind, knowing ourselves, and caring for our mental and emotional health are the most important things in living a fulfilling life on the other side of divorce. Stacy talks us through some of the impact that divorce can have on our health, and we’re assured that not every relationship that has problems needs to lead to a divorce.
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Key Takeaways
Introductions
- Dennis Vetrano has almost 25 years of experience in the field of divorce and family law. He uses his social media presense to share tips and insight into divorce and relationships.
- His podcast, The DRV Law Show helps guide and inform people through their marriage or divorce journey and beyond.
Divorce and Your Health
The big picture is the most important thing. Learning about yourself, learning about the relationship, learning what you need for another partner when you get out of that divorce process, building your new life, turning a page, it’s a start of a new beginning. And it’s not to say that every relationship that has problems needs to lead to a divorce. – Dennis Vetrano
- According to the American Psychological Association, divorce can lead to increased anxiety, depression, and loneliness. It can also lead to decreased self-esteem and increased feelings of insecurity. This is particularly true for children who experience divorce.
- Of course, being in a highly stressful or abusive relationship will also harm your health. The statistics below don’t reflect an analysis of these studies to understand how correlation would tie in; however, we do know that stress negatively affects our health, and a divorce can be one of the most stressful things in life.
The Statistics
- Research shows that the physical effects, even decades after a divorce, can lead to serious chronic health issues. The Journal of Men’s Health found that divorced people suffer higher rates of mortality, depression, illness in general, and substance abuse than do married people.
- According to study co-authors Linda J. Waite of the University of Chicago and Mary Elizabeth Hughes of the Johns Hopkins Bloomberg School of Public Health, people who are divorced (or widowed) are 20% more likely to suffer from long-term health problems, such as heart disease, cancer, diabetes, digestion or metabolic problems, or other chronic health issues. They are also 23% more likely to have trouble with mobility.
- People who remarry fare somewhat better, but still have 12% more chronic illnesses and are 19% more likely to have problems with mobility than married people who never divorced. If they remarry, their rate of depression decreased.
- And, the mortality rate for divorced men is nearly 250% greater than for married men. Divorced men suffer more heart attacks and strokes than non-divorced men. Men generally have less social support than women, and often have lost some friends, so they do not have the same emotional support they had before the divorce. This increases their risk for adverse health effects.
- Women have an increased risk of heart attacks after a divorce. However, this risk increases if they divorce more than once. Matthew Dupre, of Duke University, found that after one divorce their risk of heart attack increases by 24% but after a second divorce (or more) the risk of heart attack increases by 77%. One study from the University of Texas, Austin, found that for women stress leads to higher levels of inflammation, eroding the immune system and the cardiovascular system. Women generally do more poorly financially after a divorce, a chronic stressor that may also affect their physical health.
Dennis’ Observations
- Dennis notes that your life in a divorce is like your life under a microscope. Couples and individuals are forced to hyper analyze how they’re parenting their children, how healthy they are mentally and emotionally, how well they engege with each other, what their finances are like, and if they are happy with their career and other aspects of their life. Dennis wonders why we aren’t using the divorce process and everything it teaches us outside of divorce. Why aren’t we doing all these things before we commit to a partner?
- Men generally don’t have the support systems outside of family or seek out help or support systems. Women tend to be more self-reflective and introspective.
- There is an undo burden of invisible labor put onto women in heteronormative relationships, and that is one of the biggest reasons for divorce.
- Communication, verbally and non-verbally, is one of the most important aspects of a relationship.
- Stacy notes that it has finally become more understood societally that there is an undue burden of invisible labor and emotional burden on women in heteronormative relationships. Being primary care takers while also working and being responsible – often – for the majority of cooking and cleaning, has burned women out. Dennis if finding that men not fully participating in relationships is a very common cause for modern divorce.
- Sometimes external stressors become off the charts, and that’s when relationships can really be tested. Stacy shares her family’s experience with this and how she and Matt worked through some really tough times.
- Expressing gratitude is important.
- If it is not working long-term and there are kids involved, focus on them. It’s best when couples work on amcably separating and ensuring the children are minimally impacted and work on a positive co-parenting situation.
Studies, References, and Products
- Psychology Today: The Real Long-Term Physical and Mental Health Effects of Divorce
- WebMD: What to Know About Emotional Health
- Right Lawyers: Effects of Divorce: The Hidden Consequences on Men and Women
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Note: Stacy and her guests are not medical professionals. This podcast is for general educational purposes only. It is NOT intended to diagnose, advise, or treat any physical or mental illness. We always recommend you consult a licensed service provider.
