I’ve had many people asking me about what’s been happening with Kiddo, and while I can’t (and won’t) disclose details to respect their privacy, I do want to say how thankful I am to everyone who reached out. Your love and support is noted and appreciated! I’m truly lucky to count you as part of this wonderful extended family. So in case you missed it, here’s an update on how we worked through hard times together.
Kiddo is Doing Well & Finally Home!
When I gave birth for the first time, it was a kind of love I never knew or could change. I saw the world differently and became a different person whose heart literally grew so much it felt it might burst.
Kiddo has done it for me again. I never knew I could love anyone or anything the way I do with those I gave birth to, but I do with Kiddo. We have this thing we say to each other that feels just as powerful: you are chosen.
And just like the love we share as a chosen family, their pain is my pain. I can’t control things the way I did with my other kids, and I can’t imagine what Kiddo’s lived experience was like. That bursting heart feeling is back, wishing I could make it better, but I can’t.
So I held them tight for that one hour in the hospital and made sure they know: they are loved, and they are chosen.
Working Through Hard Times Together
When I say we are a chosen family, I don’t mean just me. Kiddo has been chosen by all of us, and watching my boys help and support them during tougher times is one of the most beautiful things I could have ever asked for. And in turn, Kiddo has chosen our family – all of us.
As I watch these kids get older, I see the hints of the compassionate adults they’re going to become. I could not be more proud. They are amazing with Kiddo, offering their support as well as picking up slack when Matt and I can’t.
For those who keep up with me on social, you know I went to Arizona for a work-trip I earned shortly after we all returned from the hospital. The tickets were non-refundable, the trip non-movable, and even though I knew I would regret not going, I knew I’d be worried about home the entire time.
So, I left it up to Kiddo, and whether they’d feel safe and supported if I went. They said go, because this team is amazing together! I scrambled to get ready in time and go. It warms might heart to no end knowing that the reason they feel safe isn’t just me, but Matt and the boys as well. We are truly one unit.
Finding Home Within
In the last two years, I feel like I’ve found myself. My internal safe space.
It’s the most comforting, wonderfully warm hug I’ve ever felt. I thought I knew myself before, but I was always chasing approval and validation. Praise and recognition. There’s such clarity in knowing who I am and owning it. I’m feeling like I don’t need to prove anything, I’m not seeking praise or attention, and not because it’s what I think people want or don’t want. But because it feels like home.
I think of 2017 Stacy and she’d be thrilled to see I made a meaningful life without hard pants or heels. Where I get more time with my family and to feel like the work I do puts good into the world.
I think of 2007 Stacy, full of ambition and desire. I realize now she had fat shame, and she wanted to show people she was smart and not lazy. That she could do anything.
I’m sad that she felt that way, and also happy I can show her a future full of joy. It feels like home because for the first time in my life, we are together, existing happily and fulfilled. We are not afraid to conform to conventional standards– be they beauty, fashion, or body size!
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