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Your Non-Cooperative Spouse

This is one of those few posts we recommend only the adults hang around for… I mean, it’s your call. But we’re gonna talk about some stuff related to relationships and keeping your spouse happy.

Alexa tells me that our audience is mostly heterosexual 25-34 year old women with less than a college degree. That makes sense for our mostly-mom demographic. Well, a lot of you ladies complain that your husband is not on board with paleo, that he sabotages you by forcing bread and pizza and pasta into the house or refusing to play ball with you.

Some of you say that you’re concerned for his health and the self-destructive path his diet is leading him down. Some of you ask “Why can’t my husband be as awesome and sexy as you, Matt?”

I’ve heard you all, and so I offer you this post, directed at those reluctant males in your life.
Please leave the room and invite him to the screen so that we can rap as proper gentlemen.

Is he here? Good. You go take a nice bubble bath with a glass of wine. Seriously. Go.

 

Is she gone? Fantastic.

Are you sick of this guy?

Photo Credit RealFoodRyanGosling.Tumblr.Com

More specifically, are you sick of your wife pining away for the fictitious version of this guy? I bet you are. You’re probably thinking you can’t compete. You’ll never have those abs and your life is too stressful to ever be that sensitive and put together. Also, you’ll never have the time to perfectly manage that excellent stubble. You probably despair that you’ll never be able to the man your wife wants you to be.

Well, I have news for you: you’re sabotaging yourself when you sabotage her. Seriously.

Do you enjoy making out with your wife? Do you desperately want your wife to want you? All the time? Then let me explain something to you.

The human sex drive is mainly controlled by a single hormone, testosterone. You, by virtue of your Y chromosome have a ton of it. That’s why you’re ready to go any time you want. Women, on the other hand, don’t have very much at all. That’s why it takes much more effort, usually, to get her into it. So, believe it or not, your goal ought to be to maximize her testosterone by any legal means necessary. That means eliminate anything that decreases it and increase anything that promotes it.

So what are you doing when you force her to eat your pizza and bread and milk? You’re being a self-sabotaging idiot. These grains you’re force feeding her are actively weighing her down and decreasing her testosterone. And the soy that’s in everything these days is even worse. You know what the enemy of testosterone is? Estrogen. The phytoestrogen in the soy you’re giving her is guaranteeing you a lonely night. She doesn’t know it (and feel free to keep this a secret) but this paleo diet is making her horny. For you. The animal protein and saturated fat she wants to be eating are increasing her sex drive without her even realizing it.

The next time you refuse pizza and grill her a steak instead, you are turning her on without any effort or foreplay at all!

Not to mention, she’ll probably love the idea of you doing a little cooking. I know my wife is always thrilled when I make her cake balls and bacon. In fact, bacon is the best pheromone attractant I know of. And paleo food is not hard to cook yourself – wrap a chicken in bacon, throw it over some cabbage and you’ve got yourself a happy wife.

Happy wife, happy life.

You know what else? Stop telling her not to lift weights and don’t encourage her to run that damn treadmill. What’s wrong with you? Oh, you don’t want her to get bulky? You don’t know what you’re talking about. That treadmill is making her exhausted and stressed out. She’ll get home and just want to crash.

If you encourage her to lift weights, do the squats and lunges and lifts, do you know what she’ll get? Not bodybuilder muscles. She’ll get the Crossfit ass. She’ll get the sexy hourglass waist and shapely hips. You’ll love it, seriously. And those bench presses she’s doing are going to guarantee that even if she loses weight, she won’t lose the curves that you like while she’s doing it. And, above all else, lifting weights promotes the production of testosterone.

What would you really prefer? Do you want her to come home drenched in sweat, exhausted and out of breath from spending an hour on the an elliptical? Or would you prefer her to come home feeling strong and sexy, slighly sore, but still ready for another round with you? I think the answer is clear.

And you. Come on. What do YOU have to lose in taking this plunge anyway? You really love pizza and beer that much? You can’t replace them with steak and wine? You don’t want to improve yourself, maybe?

Oh you’re satisfied with yourself, I suppose. So was I. You know what I didn’t realize? That I could be fitter, stronger, and have more energy without much effort at all. Seriously, very little effort took me from an overweight, out of shape dweeb into a sexy beast. You can see my abs and I barely worked to get them. Can you say the same? I can scoop her off her feet. Literally. Can you?

I think you owe it to both of you to give this a try. I’m not going to give you the whole health and longevity speech here. You don’t care about that, right? But what you do want, I think you can get it with just a little encouragement. Now invite the ladies back into the room for this last part.

 

Ladies, I’ve spoken with your husbands and I think you should expect a little bit more compliance from here on.

 

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  • Janie

    best. article. ever.ย  ๐Ÿ˜€

  • Jill from First Comes Health

    Hysterical and awesome. I’m glad my husband has been on board from the beginning.ย  WOOOOOO!

  • Hancockmandd

    I would like to check out the Goodbyn Bynto, but there is an error when I click.ย  Can you fix? Thanks

  • Matt, you are fabulous.

  • Rebecca Baldwin

    Awesome article! Forwarding to my husband now!

  • Alexa

    Yes! ย I’ve been waiting to read this one! ย Passing on the the HMN group now. ย ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Laurie Anne

    That was AWESOME!! and even though my husband has joined me in the Paleo lifestyle, I still read this to him…just to remind him! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Hillarious and totally true. Now I know why my husband’s been so darn supportive ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Meredith

    Yep – this one’s a keeper… bookmarking and forwarding… very timely indeed… ๐Ÿ™‚

  • Kelly O’Neill Kasznel

    Um, Stacy…this Matt guy- he’s a keeper ๐Ÿ˜‰ Love it and my semi non-compliant DH WILL be reading this!

  • Mayalfano

    Loved the article, glad my honey is on board! Love you Steve

  • Thia article is awesome. That is all.

  • Dave

    Love the article, now i need one to give to my (pregnant!) wife who will not give up the grains and dairy despite the amazing success I’ve had on the paleo diet. Help!

  • Heather Simon

    Love this!ย  I am forwarding to all my girlfriends!

  • Julie Bates

    This is AWESOME!!!

  • Jessica O.

    I just laughed out loud multiple times.ย  I will be immediately forwarding this to my husband!ย  Thanks!

  • Stich Heather

    This. Is. Amazing. Thank you! ๐Ÿ˜‰ย 

  • ha! love it. my boyfriend isn’t really on board, but he will eat anything I make, so when we are together, he eats like I do. At this point, that’s enough for me.

  • C Sabo

    Love this! I’ll post it for my hubby, probably won’t read it though. He does have major back and leg problems so he though he doesn’t have abs of steel, the fact that he’s not fat is great. I just wish he would get on board with eating healthier. It affects what my daugther prefers and I have to work 2x hard to get her to try new, whole foods.

  • Rlrg60

    Yeah, I’m posting this all over

  • Becca

    Ha!ย  I know I wasn’t supposed to read this but it was seriously awesome!! ๐Ÿ™‚

  • kristy

    As Julie stated below, “This is AWESOME!”

  • Denise

    I had to read it even though I am single. You have done an awesome job at explaining thing that I had no clue about.ย  Great job!ย  Its aย post I will share if I ever find someone for me. lol!ย 

  • Kmhickey1

    Well, I’m outside your demographic..44 yo female whose husband got her onto Paleo! Still love your site!!

  • Fab post, Matt — I think you could write the male version of my book! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • I love this article so much.

  • Lara

    This is my favorite post yet. I’m sending this to my husband ASAP.

  • Twonail

    This was awesome, Matt!ย  I’m a wife married 25 years this year and just today my honey told me I just “looked great, more rested, and sexy” since we started eating full-on paleo less than a month ago.ย  ( I was wearing my pj’s, with crazy hair and no makeup at the time!)ย  He looks great, too, and it tickles me to catch him weighing himself in the middle of the day when he’s already weighed himself that morning.ย  Because the easy weight loss aspect is unbelievable!ย  We were both doing weight-bearing workouts for a couple years before beginning paleo this month, but took a little break this month to make up for the stress of transitioning to “cooking ALL THE TIME!” and because we wanted to be able to measure our “level of discomfort” on the diet without our usual “push-it-to-the-limit” strain of workouts.ย  Oddly, yet not unexpectedly if you’re doing your paleo reading, we’re maintaining our muscle and looking great this month in a way our usual tired, feeble bodies do not.ย  I imagine once we re-ignite our workout schedule, we’ll look all the better (gotta maintain that “Brazilian butt” which you referred to as “Crossfit ass”).ย  If it weren’t for money, we’d be doing Crossfit already, and we’ll likely sign up my “a little more weight to lose” honey before me, but . . . we’ve seen huge benefits of the weight-bearing workout even without it.ย 

    Anyway, to me, you’ve addressed in this post the “unspoken.”ย  “Sex is great on paleo” is a nice thing to say, but . . . being a married couple who’s living it and can vouch for it–that’s just good, real stuff.ย  Bless you young folks for discovering this after just 10 years of commitment together.ย  I can vouch for it getting better and better even when you hit the “ripe” 40’s–which will likely feel less ripe if you’ve been paleo and kept active the whole time.ย  Thanks, again, Matt, for the fun post. ย 

  • Awesome. Just…awesome.

  • suzanne lagerweij

    Love this post! But how come mostly women leave comments here? Wasn’t the purpose of this article to get our dear loving husbands to read this?!;-) I guess I need to share it with all my male friends on facebook… But believe it or not; in my case it actually was my husband who got me and my children into this diet! And we love it! Thank you for this great website

  • Michael

    Do you guys have a Non-Cooperative Spouse Wife Version? I could use one of those,

  • Absolutely hysterical and absolutely correct.ย  Well done, Matt!

  • Maybe I missed something from older blog posts I haven’t read yet – what do you mean by the no shampoo part? Do you mean just rinsing with water or using a different method to wash the hair?

    • CaveGirlEats.com is one of Stacy’s friends and she advocates alternative methods to cleaning your hair including using vinegar and baking soda.

  • Katie Mulinix

    I am showing this to my husband the second he gets home from work. Hilarious and awesome and so true!!!!

  • maribelle1963

    I know what you’re trying to do here, but it sure is appealing to the lowest common denominator. You should support your wife’s healthy efforts because they make her more do-able? That’s depressing and a bit insulting to both men and woman. (In many of the couples I know, the woman is the one with a higher sex drive than the man.) And saying that “estrogen is the enemy of testosterone” is just plain ignorant.

    • Maribelle, it’s actually a scientific fact that too much estrogen causes a decreased sexual desire – in women and men. The reason older women have a higher sex drive is because female hormones change as you near menopause. There’s lots of information on the web about it – certainly not ignorant to state scientific fact.

      That said, obviously my husband loves and supports me. Here’s a popular post about how awesome he is: http://paleoparents.com/featured/what-losing-135lbs-looks-like/

      Not all spouses have such a “mature” mind set, yet, and this is simply a post to guide them in the right direction. Hopefully, once they have the motivation to start, they’ll find all the other wonderful reasons Paleo is great for their family’s health. Not the least of which is what’s mentioned here.

      Also, it’s obviously intended to be funny…

      Stacy

  • LOVE this article. Fortunately I have a spouse to be that is open(if not 100% compliant) with Paleo. I do want to say that not all women take much, er, effort to get into it. Some are just “in it” as it were- but I will say that absolutely supporting your SO in their health is a key to a happy them and thus a happy you!

  • Jill C.

    Sweet! My hubby got miffed the other day because I bought plain, whole fat, Greek yogurt, and didn’t get 2% cheap, flavored yogurt. He walked out the door muttering something about “not everyone is like you!”
    So while he was in the garage getting over it, I mashed up some (over) ripe banana and a strawberry and stirred it into some of the yogurt. It was outstanding. When I came in, I had him taste it (what’s this??). I said, “You’re right, not everyone is like me. Most people would never consider mashing their own fruit in your favorite flavors to make your yogurt taste better.”
    “It’s pretty good.” <- That is a high complement, because as good as it usually gets is "fine" or "okay".

  • Vira

    I’m also outside the demographic – 24-yr-old single female with University degree. ๐Ÿ˜€ This post amused me greatly, though. (I’m trying not to call ‘sexism’, because a lot of this is based on biological differences…but just to point out that my dad prefers to do the cooking anyway.) I’m not going fully Paleo because it’s very difficult to do so on benefits, but it’s changed how I think about a lot of foods, and it’s making me change my diet – and shampoos and deodorent etc – a LOT. A month ago, I was confused by what ACV meant; now I own four bottles ‘with the mother’, and yesterday I tried drinking a spoonful in hot water with (local) honey. I’m learning more every day. I dread to think what a spouse would be thinking of all these sudden changes – probably that I’d suddenly gone overboard with a ‘fad’ diet. Good luck to all of you who have to convince husbands/wives that you aren’t crazy.

    • Glad it amused you – Matt is a stay at home dad that does the caretaking, cooking, etc. in our home – so we’re definitely not biased other than basing it on biology and hormones ๐Ÿ™‚ Which OF COURSE is not the same for everyone – since it’s not always a wife vs. husband, either!

  • tiffany

    I had to share this to Facebook…Let my peeps understand it is for the whole family…exercise too…love the article..

  • Lily

    Hahaha. Loooooove this. So great. In fact, I’m emailing it to my husband to read.

  • Lisa

    My husband is great about Paleo but my kids on the other hand…(which is why I bought your book). I found this funny and I definitely have a sense of humor. However, ” That makes sense โ€” thatโ€™s the stay-at-home mom demographic.” Ouch! -Stay at home mom with BA and MS.

    • And lots of working moms don’t have a degree, it’s just that’s what Alexa tells us… wasn’t meant to hurtful!

      • Lisa

        Of course there are working moms without degrees. I’m not denying the data that was collected (age range, level of education) rather the implication that it “makes sense” for these women to be stay at home moms. Women choose to work or need to work it is not something dependent on college education. Your comment is appreciated. I’m sure you didn’t intend to be hurtful.

  • Amy

    Awesome! My hubby is supportive but can’t seem to stop saying no to bread and beer every once in awhile. Normally the family eats what I cook, which is paleo, but since the teens aren’t on board we usually still do Friday night pizza night from the local pizza place and he joins in on that while I cook up some meat and veggies for myself (I’m kind of a purist and don’t do a lot of transforming non-paleo foods into paleo). Well tonight he added beer to that mix and comes in after being in the garage and apologizes to me. I say “for what?” and he says he has HORRIBLE gas! HA! Guess he will be getting nuttin’ from me tonight except for a good ole loving “I told you so” about the bread and gluten! ๐Ÿ˜‰

  • Nick

    ya, im with michael. i have the opposite probelm. my fiance wants to run on the treadmil and not lift weights and eat pizza and ice cream every damn day. Can you come to virginia beach and talk some sense into her, cuz she never listens to me!