Welcome back Nina Manolson (for a third appearance!) to The Whole View. This week, Stacy and Nina discuss healthy forms of being selfish, why women most often struggle with this concept, and ways to reclaim our agency, power, and self.
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- Nina is a Body-Peace® coach and originally joined us on Episode 10 to dive deeper into what that means, and again for Episode 41 around New Years.
- She is known for her deeply feminist, anti-diet, body-peace approach. Nina brings her 30 years experience as a therapist, Nationally Board Certified Health & Wellness Coach, Body-Trust® Guide and Psychology of Eating Teacher to helping women create a respectful and trusting relationship with their food and body. She helps people end the war and feel truly at home in their body.
- Furthermore, Nina’s Body-Peace work is all about compassion. Her courses, coaching and poetry positively change the conversation that women are having with themselves.
Selfish Isn’t a Four-Letter Word
- The idea of self-care is often is seen as self-ish. Gendered perceptions exist around earning money, having confidence, providing care, having or not having children, etc.
- Safety and security are two things we need most to help regulate our nervous systems. Slowing down and asking ourselves what we really need is often perceived as selfish. So in pursuit of this safety and security, women often give up their authetic self.
- “Healthy Selfishness was related to higher levels of psychological well-being and adaptive psychological functioning as well as a genuine prosocial orientation. Pathological Altruism was associated with maladaptive psychological outcomes, vulnerable narcissism, and selfish motivations for helping others.” [source]
- Nina discusses reclaiming the word “selfish”, by feeling “self-ISH”, feeling like our authentic self, being true to ourself.
- However, something like pathological altruism can turn into co-dependency, “If you’re okay, I’m okay.” or “If everyone else is happy, I gain self worth.”
- Guilt is “If don’t say yes, I’m DOING something wrong”; whereas shame is “If I don’t do what I think is right, I AM wrong, I’m a fundamentally flawed human.” Shame is a construct of patriarchy that says a woman’s worthiness comes from how much we give, how much we sacrifice.
- So if you’re working towards this idea that there’s more to do, than you feel like you’re never enough.
Next Steps for Being More Selfish
“Any pleasure that does no harm to other people is to be valued.” – The Conquest of Happiness
- Firstly, you don’t have to start saying “no” right away; just start to notice where you have said “yes” or agreed to something and wish you didn’t. Tune into where you would say “no”.
- Nina works with women to help them ask “what supports me, what gives me pleasure, what allows my nervous system to shift?”
- Nina also suggests using a “10-10-10” approach of taking at least 10 minutes, 3 times a day to be with yourself, for yourself. Giving yourself something isn’t selfish, it is necessary. It’s absolutely required for us to get through life in a way that feels like “this is my life”
- Take two of those “10s” and making them fixed, non-negotiable – i.e. make tea, sit in your car after work.
- So the last 10 can be a wild card to really ask yourself in that moment what you want and how can you take care of yourself?
- Stacy and her family created a “Hotel Mommy” concept to help meet her needs.
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Studies, References & Products
- We Should All Be Millionaires: A Woman’s Guide to Earning More, Building Wealth, and Gaining Economic Power by Rachel Rodgers
- Atlas of the Heart: Mapping Meaningful Connection and the Language of Human Experience by Brene Brown
- CNBC: Op-Ed: RBG would encourage women to take control of their finances
- Realeverything.com: Year of Pleasure: NBC and Beyond
- Selflessness is sexy: reported helping behaviour increases desirability of men and women as long-term sexual partners, BMC Evolutionary Biology
- The Cocksure Conundrum: How Evolution Created a Gendered Currency of Corporate Overconfidence, Adaptive Human Biology and Physiology
- Healthy Selfishness and Pathological Altruism: Measuring Two Paradoxical Forms of Selfishness, Frontier in Psychology
- Russell B. (1930). The Conquest of Happiness. New York, NY: Horace Liverright
- Maslow A. H. (1943/1996). “Is human nature basically selfish?” in Future Visions: The Unpublished Papers of Abraham Maslow, Hoffman E. (Thousand Oaks, CA: Sage Publications; ), 107–114
- Factormeals.com/WHOLEVIEW50 | Use code WHOLEVIEW50 for 50% off your first box
- Beautycounter.com/StacyToth | Use code CLEANFORALL20 to get 20% off with an email that has never ordered before
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Note: Stacy and her guests are not medical professionals. This podcast is for general educational purposes and NOT intended to diagnose, advise, or treat any physical or mental illness. We always recommend you consult a licensed service provider.